PMS, or “The Week When Everyone Suddenly Becomes Exceedingly Annoying”

I had a few interesting topic ideas I wanted to write about, but I’ve been PMSing like crazy this week and realized that I would probably ruin whatever topic I chose by being hormonally snarky.  Instead, I decided to rant about the very thing that is putting me in a ranting mood.

So… here are five super random rant-worthy points about PMS:

PMS vs. Period Time

PMS stands for Pre-Mentrual Syndrome.  This means the emotional moodiness strikes before the mess.  I want to clear this up because some guys have taken to saying “PMS” instead of “period” because the word “period” makes them gag. I guess an acronym seems safer to them, but they are using it incorrectly; PMS and periods are related, but they are NOT the same thing.  We suffer 2 distinct ailments and should be given credit for both.

Also, guys should grow up and realize that the word “period” is no grosser than the millions of words they’ve invented to reference their penises.  Get over it.

“Emotional” is Not the Same as “Incompetent”

I’m normally a very happy positive person, but PMS week has me just a little more prone to depression and anger.  Suddenly everyone’s comments have a cruel insulting subtext (e.g. “Megan Fox is so hot!” translates to, “why don’t you look like that, you ugly duck?”).  And what is usually only slightly irritating behavior, such as cutting me off in traffic, suddenly becomes worthy of unholy language.  Yes, I admit that I am more emotional during this week, but I am still the same person with the same ability to contribute to society.

I say this because one of my best guy friends told me that women shouldn’t be in positions of power because of PMS.  So I slapped him in the face, threw myself on the ground, and wailed through tears that I am an amazing leader.

Just kidding.

But here’s my real response to this idea: even if I’m not as happy as usual for one week a month, I’m still just as sharp and just as capable of doing my job.  I have a brain that knows that excessive crying or anger is not productive and I am able to control my emotions in professional settings.  Plus, I’m told that being with me on a moody day is still more pleasant than most men on their happy days anyway.  So take that, grouchy men!

Pain is Real

I used to have awful cramps both during PMS week and during my period.  I have many memories of coming home from school early because I couldn’t even sit up.  One time my parents called 911 and the ambulance took me to the ER.   Menstrual cramps are very real.  Men who say cramps are “just a fake excuse for women to be lazy” are pathetic losers who deserve to be punched in the lower abdomen repeatedly for a week straight every 28 days.  Also, those stupid educational videos they show in middle schools, where girls gleefully exclaim blatant lies such as, “It doesn’t hurt at all!” or “I just love how menstruating makes me feel like a real woman!” should be burned.  Seriously.

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, birth control is amazing and has significantly reduced the pain.  Now I just wish there was a cure for feeling like a bloated whale.

Chocolate is My Favorite Medicine

I’m a total chocoholic.  I love super dark chocolate – anything with at least 70% cocoa content (wimpy Hershey bars don’t cut it for me).  I rarely turn down anyone who offers me an opportunity to indulge.  This is true for me all the time, but during PMS week, my sweet love of chocolate turns into a raving demented NEED.  No chocolate bar in my vicinity is safe.

I know I sound like some crazy addict who snorts cocoa powder, but it turns out that craving chocolate during this time is totally natural.  Chocolate contains a lot of iron, and releases the happy hormone serotonin, both of which we are low on during PMS because of shifting estrogen levels.  And the glorious reason that I can increase my chocolate intake once a month without gaining weight is because female metabolism speeds up during PMS!  We burn like several hundred more calories a day than normal!  Isn’t that awesome?  Don’t worry, I heard all this on the Today Show a few years ago, so it must be true…

Hugs Fix Everything

Guys get scared when girls get emotional because they don’t know how to handle it.  This is understandable, and sometimes I feel sorry for you guys, since it must be pretty awkward.  You probably feel like Seth Rogan in Knocked Up when he yells at Kathrine Heigl’s hormones (“I know this isn’t you talking, it’s your hormones, but Iwould just like to say, “F*** you, hormones! You are a crazy bitch, hormones!”).  But don’t do that.  Here’s my advice: whenever a girl in your life starts crying or becomes unusually snappy, assume it’s hormonal and just offer a hug!  I am super spoiled because one of my best friends is very intuitive and gives amazing hugs.  Whenever he senses I’m not feeling great, I get a hug and suddenly my world gets brighter.  Trust me boys, a hug will be infinitely better received than unsolicited advice, or the dreaded, “Oh, you’re on your period, aren’t you?”

~~~

Are you PMSing this week?  Did you PMS at some point this month? Do you have any interesting PMS stories?  Or have anything you want to rant about?  The comment section is all yours 😀

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8 responses

  1. LOVE LOVE LOVE this!! 🙂

    September 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

  2. I live with four other women. Last week we watched Sex & The City, ate chocolate and complained about cramps. You’ve gotta get through it somehow.

    September 7, 2011 at 1:27 pm

  3. SO relating to this.
    Thankfully my form of contraception actually causes my menstruation to be barely even present (medically safe, I checked). But my memories of horrid bouts of uterine-punishment won’t be forgotten.
    I’ve also had the ‘oh it can’t be THAT bad’ thing, it took all my self control not to strangle him with my ovaries. -_-

    September 7, 2011 at 5:22 pm

  4. sometimes being a girl is hard… during this time i am forever so emotional, overly, i am super clingy to my boyfriend, i just want to chill and home and not really do anything,and i eat an obscene amount of candy.. but thankfully i don’t have that much menstrual cramps.. great post..

    September 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm

  5. Supervirgin, I laughed myself silly over this one. So, tell me, have you experienced the totally weird “A bunch of women live in one house and all of the sudden they get their period at the same time” phenomenon? I have three teenage daughters, and….well… geez… I can barely describe THAT week. My husband must be laughing his head off in heaven! Seriously, how weird is that? My daughters turn into raving banshees, and I entertain thoughts of selling them into human slavery. Then it stops, and phew, back to normal at least for a little while.
    Keep it up, your writing is getting more precise and hilarious!

    Victoria

    September 10, 2011 at 7:05 am

  6. Greg

    I’m sorry that women have to go through the pain of cramps and PMS (and the inconvenience of urinating). 😦 As a guy, I obviously can’t empathize with this, and I’m not going to pretend I know how much it hurts. But in all honesty, the grass isn’t greener being a guy (I could write a long list of the whys). I still think that overall women have the better, more beautiful design. Here’s a teaser–your genitals are a part of your body, rather than a tacked-on “chicken hanging in the butcher shop.”

    September 23, 2011 at 6:00 am

  7. Pingback: An Antidote to Loneliness « Confessions of a Super Virgin

  8. Anon

    I like the part where you point out the ridiculous double standard for talking about penis’ versus periods. Very true.
    PMS: Yes, I also feel like my PMS time is ONE week out of the month where I am a little more sensitive to slights and have a lot less patience for things that have always been annoying. I think this is the key here. Guys should be thanking us for being so understanding and patient 3 out of 4 weeks. I put up wthe th multiple sinus noises from my husband, various forms of my bcc bsiderate behavior, his own touchiness and tendency to take things personally or read between the lines, and his lesser levels of patience. However, instead of being praised and thanked for the 3 weeks that we calmly and quietly stomach much of the crap dished out by others, we are chastised for the one week where we act like a man.

    October 31, 2016 at 5:39 am

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