PMS, or “The Week When Everyone Suddenly Becomes Exceedingly Annoying”
I had a few interesting topic ideas I wanted to write about, but I’ve been PMSing like crazy this week and realized that I would probably ruin whatever topic I chose by being hormonally snarky. Instead, I decided to rant about the very thing that is putting me in a ranting mood.
So… here are five super random rant-worthy points about PMS:
PMS vs. Period Time
PMS stands for Pre-Mentrual Syndrome. This means the emotional moodiness strikes before the mess. I want to clear this up because some guys have taken to saying “PMS” instead of “period” because the word “period” makes them gag. I guess an acronym seems safer to them, but they are using it incorrectly; PMS and periods are related, but they are NOT the same thing. We suffer 2 distinct ailments and should be given credit for both.
Also, guys should grow up and realize that the word “period” is no grosser than the millions of words they’ve invented to reference their penises. Get over it.
“Emotional” is Not the Same as “Incompetent”
I’m normally a very happy positive person, but PMS week has me just a little more prone to depression and anger. Suddenly everyone’s comments have a cruel insulting subtext (e.g. “Megan Fox is so hot!” translates to, “why don’t you look like that, you ugly duck?”). And what is usually only slightly irritating behavior, such as cutting me off in traffic, suddenly becomes worthy of unholy language. Yes, I admit that I am more emotional during this week, but I am still the same person with the same ability to contribute to society.
I say this because one of my best guy friends told me that women shouldn’t be in positions of power because of PMS. So I slapped him in the face, threw myself on the ground, and wailed through tears that I am an amazing leader.
But here’s my real response to this idea: even if I’m not as happy as usual for one week a month, I’m still just as sharp and just as capable of doing my job. I have a brain that knows that excessive crying or anger is not productive and I am able to control my emotions in professional settings. Plus, I’m told that being with me on a moody day is still more pleasant than most men on their happy days anyway. So take that, grouchy men!
Pain is Real
I used to have awful cramps both during PMS week and during my period. I have many memories of coming home from school early because I couldn’t even sit up. One time my parents called 911 and the ambulance took me to the ER. Menstrual cramps are very real. Men who say cramps are “just a fake excuse for women to be lazy” are pathetic losers who deserve to be punched in the lower abdomen repeatedly for a week straight every 28 days. Also, those stupid educational videos they show in middle schools, where girls gleefully exclaim blatant lies such as, “It doesn’t hurt at all!” or “I just love how menstruating makes me feel like a real woman!” should be burned. Seriously.
Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, birth control is amazing and has significantly reduced the pain. Now I just wish there was a cure for feeling like a bloated whale.
Chocolate is My Favorite Medicine
I’m a total chocoholic. I love super dark chocolate – anything with at least 70% cocoa content (wimpy Hershey bars don’t cut it for me). I rarely turn down anyone who offers me an opportunity to indulge. This is true for me all the time, but during PMS week, my sweet love of chocolate turns into a raving demented NEED. No chocolate bar in my vicinity is safe.
I know I sound like some crazy addict who snorts cocoa powder, but it turns out that craving chocolate during this time is totally natural. Chocolate contains a lot of iron, and releases the happy hormone serotonin, both of which we are low on during PMS because of shifting estrogen levels. And the glorious reason that I can increase my chocolate intake once a month without gaining weight is because female metabolism speeds up during PMS! We burn like several hundred more calories a day than normal! Isn’t that awesome? Don’t worry, I heard all this on the Today Show a few years ago, so it must be true…
Hugs Fix Everything
Guys get scared when girls get emotional because they don’t know how to handle it. This is understandable, and sometimes I feel sorry for you guys, since it must be pretty awkward. You probably feel like Seth Rogan in Knocked Up when he yells at Kathrine Heigl’s hormones (“I know this isn’t you talking, it’s your hormones, but Iwould just like to say, “F*** you, hormones! You are a crazy bitch, hormones!”). But don’t do that. Here’s my advice: whenever a girl in your life starts crying or becomes unusually snappy, assume it’s hormonal and just offer a hug! I am super spoiled because one of my best friends is very intuitive and gives amazing hugs. Whenever he senses I’m not feeling great, I get a hug and suddenly my world gets brighter. Trust me boys, a hug will be infinitely better received than unsolicited advice, or the dreaded, “Oh, you’re on your period, aren’t you?”
Are you PMSing this week? Did you PMS at some point this month? Do you have any interesting PMS stories? Or have anything you want to rant about? The comment section is all yours 😀