My parents really wanted their daughters to succeed in life, so therefore, they wanted to make sure we stayed away from boys until we got into good colleges. Their method? FEAR. And it was incredibly effective. So effective, in fact, that my sisters and I are all still single! Of course, my parents’ hope for future grandchildren decreases by the day, but that’s a small price to pay for protecting their princesses from the world’s douchebags. Continue reading to learn their parenting techniques…
1) Isolate your girls from any and all male peers. My parents successfully had 0 sons and 3 daughters, and they raised us in an all-girl neighborhood. Our neighborhood had over a dozen girls of all ages and races, but impressively no boys. There must have been something in the water. The only boys who were ever present were two guys who occasionally visited their grandmother, who lived across the street. They vegetated inside playing video games all day while we played outside. They didn’t care about us, so we didn’t care about them. Since we had such little interaction with boys, my parents had total control when it came to forming our opinions about boys. That absolutely must be your goal – total control. This leads to step 2:
2) Explain that S-E-X is the grossest thing ever. I still remember when my mom told me about sex. I think I was around seven or eight, and we went into my parent’s little walk-in closet (which was the scariest place in our house, so it was fitting). She explained that sex was when a man put his penis into a woman’s vagina and then a baby comes out 9 months later. I think there was an accompanying book with drawings of naked people or something, because I didn’t understand how the man could get that big dangly thing up there. When I asked my mom about this issue, she explained that when a man gets turned on, like by looking at a woman’s boobs, his thing magically gets really hard and it rises so he can put it in. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard! Fortunately, my mom added, only married people had sex, and they only had to do it when they wanted to have a baby. Oh thank God, there was a way out! I didn’t need to get married or have babies! I never wanted to participate in (or even talk about) sex ever again.
3) Emphasize that boys think about sex 24/7! SEX! SEX! SEX! Yes, sex, that gross nasty thing we just talked about in step #3. This will convince your daughters that boys are the absolute epitome of grossness. EWWW!!!!!
4) Openly frown upon girls who like boys. My dad hated the Disney Channel show, Lizzie McGuire, because Lizzie constantly wanted a boyfriend, instead of focusing on her schoolwork. He would point this out repeatedly to us until we finally realized that Lizzie was a little slut. We went back to doing our homework like good girls because we weren’t needy like Lizzie and didn’t want stupid boyfriends holding us back. Whenever we did get infected with crushes on boys, we kept those shameful secrets to ourselves.
5) Condemn all forms of PDA. When your daughter gets older, biology and hormones will start to take over, so she might start to forget some of these things you taught her and start talking to boys. You have to accept that she will be talking to boys, as its difficult to function in society without verbally interacting with males, but you mustn’t let this progress to touching. Remind her of point #3 and that allowing boys to touch her could potentially launch that nasty rising process. This will immediately remind her of the nausea experienced in your walk in closet years earlier and discourage all forms of inappropriate physical contact, such as hand-holding, hugs, and even taps on the shoulder. She’ll avoid coming into contact with male skin as if it were infected with a fatal fungus.
So that’s it! It’s pretty simple. In no time, your daughters will be the academically overachieving single man-hating women you’ve always wanted!